Thursday, August 21, 2008

Kind of a Bad day.

kind of down and out.
ok... so it is coming up and i cant avoid it. the anniversary of grandpas passing. i lost my grandma august 2, 2007. that my dears was the absolute hardest day of my life. Harder than losing babies, harder than anything. she was MY EVERYTHING. i was truly blessed to be her "daughter" or grand daughter so to speak... i mean my heart has been crushed from day one of seeing her lose weight, to the hospital visits, to helping her, to the day that the cancer took her life. I mean....I think that it is great that she is in heaven, but I truly do not feel as strong without her. I told her EVERYTHING. She new all the problems of everything that was going on in my life, she never judged me and still loved me more than anything. so... before grandma died I got to talk to her a lot. I write a lot of poems, write journals, and express myself through writing. SOOOO I wrote her a letter to tell her everything that was going on in my mind at the time. You guys don't know what an impact she made on my life. AND> my grandpa couldn't wait another minute without her. He died almost exactly 2 months after her. A blood clot took him from me within about 8 hours. I never got to talk to him the way I got to with mamaw. I don't know if that is why I might be a little bitter about death? Not sure. I would like to share my letter, just because it makes me feel better.

I wanted to tell you before you passed what an impact you have made on my life. Most people do not get the chance to tell their loved ones. I know that you are my most favorite person in the world. You were always there for me and I thank you for that. I do not think I can thank you enough. I think that everyone does wrong in their life, and I have to. Fortunately, I think that God has forgiven me. You have always been by my side to lend a voice or a hand. The whole reason for this letter is to tell you that I have finally accepted your passing coming. I will still weep. I will still morn. I will still hit the walls wondering why God could possibly do this to such a wonderful person. Sometimes I wonder if God is punishing me for something I did, or anything else. I have not done anything wrong, I just have to learn that God has a plan for everything. This past year after losing two babies and you losing your battle with cancer makes me think that I am praying for no reason. I have to keep praying… I have finally found out what I need to pray for. Strength to keep going on. Strength to let you go. Strength to accept the fact that things happen. Grandma, I think that I have found the strength to let you go and let you be my guardian angel. I hope that you will look over me and the family, bless my marriage, and bless me with beautiful children. You may not ever get to see them physically, but spiritually you will. I have been trying so hard to try and have children before you pass so you can see your first great-grandchild that I think that stress made me lose both. I wrote this out so it would be perfect and genuine. Yes, I am going to miss you terribly but the fact that I will not have you, as a mother will tear me up inside. Basically I am telling you that when you feel it is your time, you go. I am not pushing you, but literally telling you not to worry about dad, grandpa and me. We will go on remembering you. I have not got any recent pictures of you because I want to remember you healthy and content. I also want you to know that I will try and stay true to God as you would want me to. I might not make it every Sunday, but I will worship him as you did. I pray to him everyday to make you stronger. I pray to him everything I wish could happen. I know that he can only answer so much. I thank him though that he gave you 86 wonderful years, 66 years with grandpa, 50 years with dad, and 25 years with me. I know to prepare as grandpa might pass soon after you. That is usually how is goes, so I also have asked God to give me strength to be strong for him and dad. Dad has already become a better person, and hopefully he stays good for the sake of grandpa, my future children, and me. I love all three of you like I have never loved before. You guys are my rock. I can go on and on telling you how much I love you, but I believe you love me just as much so you know what that feels like. Grandma, when we try and help you up, don't get mad. Feel good that there is someone to lend a helping hand. There are so many people in the hospital that die and there are no family to bury them or be there for them. I try to get to your house as much as possible to see you but my full time job demands too much. So I come when I can, and I know that you understand. You always understood. So grandma…

Be my guardian angel

It is ok to let go

I love you

I love you

I love you….

Always remember me as I will do for you.

Thats the end in that... there was something that I was told yesterday that really upset me. No, its not the hormones. I am done with those. At least for a while. When I find out someone is pregnant, it is soooo hard for myself to be happy. I am happy for that person, but deeply I am sooo upset that the reason we are having so many problems is because of my body and we cant change it. I just wish a baby could appear out of thin air. My husband is here to talk to, but I want my Grandma back to talk to... She had a way of telling me that it was going to be alright in such a comforting way. As I tear up while thinking about her, I cant help but realize she and GOD have an awesome plan for me. I know she is up there telling me to take my time and get things in order before I cross the finish line too early. I know she is up there rooting me on and saving a place for me. Sometimes I just wish I could at least dream about her... but it never happens. Her and my grandpa adopted because they could not produce children, so I think it would be a great inspiration to talk with her. I just wish I had someone in my shoes to talk to. I think it would help me out tremendously. I am soooo sorry for the long emotional blog, but if you have made it through it all I thank you. Thanks for being a friend, nosy, or just plain there. It is nice to share my feelings instead of being bottled up. I have been mostly happy for the past 2-3 months, but today... i dont know what it is... just a little sad.

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