Today is Horrible!

Well. For someone else. There was a woman that gave birth today to a baby without a heartbeat at 14 weeks. I could not imagine this happening! I am in tears as I write this for her. There is nothing worse than going into a patients room to draw blood, with a little sign on their door with teardrops on it. That means they lost their baby. Very rarely do we see this, but it gives me the most gut wrenching feeling EVER> worse than a code, and someone my age passing. I feel like I should jump in and help and talk to her, but I cannot help her situation. I am one little person on the earth, and no matter how much I would try to be positive and strong for her, I realize that I cannot make her day better, I cannot make her forget, and I cannot heal her tears. So people... This is what really sucks about my job. I have to see dying people everyday. I have to see the worst of things. I think I am going back to two days a week. I cant handle this emotional rollercoaster. You know that you are not supposed to develop a bond with the patients, but I do. I find myself way too compassionate about the patients and actually have a forever growing bond with some of them and their families! I find myself pulling my hair wondering if I should have ever gone to their funerals. I know in the end I should not have. I did go to one patients visitation... I received phone calls from his wife every now and again. I was in the hospital room when he died to help his wife get through things. I stayed up there for 3-4 hours. I just want to make people feel better. Thats my goal in life. I think I have acheived it many times. I am just waiting for my turn.

POSITIVELY~

My surrogate "K" and I will probably discuss meeting in person. I absolutely love her and her family. I like to keep private about who she is just incase she does not want to be known as my surrogate. I am in the process of getting scrapbook supplies together for me and possibly her. That way we will each have our own book. This would be her first journey. I cant wait to start. I just finished revising the sample contract and will email it to her shortly to revise and make sure things are to her liking. I want both parties happy and want her to be in my childs life FOREVER>
I think we are a great match so far. I have not felt this good about anyone I talked to yet. I feel like I am rushing a little bit, but that is just my personality. I know it is right. Grandma is my ANGEL, she is looking over me and giving me the right time to start my family. Hopefully that time is NOW>

Thanks for tuning in to my installment.

Sorry also for the little negative story...Just had to get it off my chest.

Kel

A Match?

OK<<<
So for all my followers, and bloggers.I may have found my match. I didnt want to let my cat out the bag too soon, but there it is.I can't keep a secret that well. It is just way too big of a secret.
Anyways she is seeming to be a pretty awesome person. Not only is her family gorgeous, she is sweet & compassionate. She seems like she really wants to do this for me. I absolutely love her. We have agreed to meet in person after the holidays. Maybe she is my Xmas present? lol
Now, since I know she is there and we have agreed on everything, we are waiting for the insurance to check out. I am praying the hardest I have ever prayed, and hoping that her insurance will cover the pregnancy.

You know, I have been tested in some weird ways, this being one of them. It kinda questions me about God. I am still trying to stay strong for him. I have a lot to be sad about for this past year, and a lot to be thankful for in 2009. So lets hope it starts off good, and I get those 2 houses sold so Bobby and I can move on to get some eggs frozen!

Anywho... Thats the news for now. I will be researching some lawyers here soon.
Loves!
Kel

***BeTTeR oFF aNYWaYs***

Sometimes you have to look back and wonder would I be better off anyways? Well as I am working night shift tonight at the hospital I have so much time to think! I am way better off without someone ("S") making up excuses and what seems to be excuse on top of excuse. Please, if you are going to read my blog, please take my advise and don't email me your excuses anymore. I hate excuses.

I have some great support groups I go through and I probably will cancel one because this person is in it. I have remained professional and will not disclose who this person is because my blog is strictly for me, to right and get things off my chest. All my blog readers need to know is that I was pretty much screwed over at last minute and yes, a meeting WAS scheduled. I am tired of it.

I have talked and emailed a few wonderful people and plan to pick someone by the end of January or February (hopefully)! I am super excited! I dont know what I would do without my family there to tell me that everything will be ok, and my possible other future surro mommies that it will be ok. These women are compassionate.

Down to the nitty gritty. I am going to cook up some really good Thanksgiving munchies! I cannot wait!

So, I went out in the woods today. I woke up at 4am, thinking that I was going to get some sleep after hunting. Well Bob got him a button buck. So we processed it totally. We were to go to dinner with bobby's nephew. Well it is now 2:15am, and I work til 7am.

YUCK IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY! lol
lets hope I survive.

To all my friends, family, and others, HAPPY TURKEY DAY!

WOWZERS! KITTIES GALORE!

Finally a fun blog... I love babies of all sorts. Guess what? We have new little kittens. 3 days old. Even though one we found passed away, she looked a little deformed, so it might have been better for her. There are 5 boys! 2 black, 2 gray and white tabby, and 1 brown/black tabby. 1 female white and black. she has spots. I think I will call her moo. lol. This is my mother in laws cat. I am going to get her fixed, keep one of the gray kitties. I need a really cool name. I love astrology names and greek names. Give me some.. I am thinking "Leo"...so cute. Anywho...

ON SURROGACY NEWS>
I want to meet up with a couple people and discuss some insurance plans and such. I have called around to Llyods of London to check on those. I have found a few women I am interviewing. Hopefully we will be well and ready to start in March or so! WHAT AN AWESOME birthday present that would be...

Kel

Meeting Schmeeting. Whatever. :-(

You know...This "meeting" with "S" Did not happen. I am really upset that someone would act unprofessional. Especially when they are getting paid as much as they are. You can say I am a little bitter. I think I have a right to be when someone cancels on you 2 hours before you are supposed to leave on a 4 hour trip... All meetings were cancelled for the day and I made time for this woman in my busy schedule and look what happens.

I dont know whether I should be understanding or not. I scheduled with her, and made sure NOTHING was planned for her A MONTH AGO. I told her if there was anything getting in the way, we would go for another weekend. Now I am pretty much booked with insurance quotes, my medical job, my modeling job, and family photography that needs to be done...

So there will be no meetings unless it is local or within an hour or two away now. Fun Times.

So here is the reason. This womans daughters birthday party got scheduled for Saturday (yesterday), no big deal. We were going to work around it. I love kids. BUT I get an email, 2 hours before I am to leave stating that she (her daughter) wanted to go to the movies with her grandpa which I guess never gets time around her birthday to hang out... The movies? Thats why you cancel a multi-thousand dollar deal? Why not let him take her to the movies and you keep the promise you made me? Oh I guess I dont matter? I dont know...

Sorry for ranting.

Posted above is the cutest picture ever of Chloe and her nephew "Max". I think they were watching Family Guy. hahah

Thank you all for your sincerity. It means a lot to me. Also, If you know someone that might work for me, let me know... I want to stay on the lower side of the pay scale. I have someone from Muncie, IN I am talking with and seeing if we can weasel something out there. She seems like she is a genuine great down to earth person!

Wish me luck! Now taking applications... lol

Love,
Kel

~~~!!!SuPeR DuPeR ExCiTeD!!!!~~~

OK. So I get to go meet "S" tonight! I stay the night there since it is a 4 hour drive. I am as I said above "super duper" excited. I can not wait to be a little bit more educated on surrogacy.

In the "dream world" it has been interesting. The other night I dreamt that I had interviewed 3 surrogate moms. I implanted them all with embryos and myself as well (which I would not do because of health problems). One of the surrogates got preggo with twin boys, One got preggos with twin girls, I had a boy and the other had a girl. So here I was stuck with 6 babies all within weeks of each other. My, my, my... what a dream...

It seems when I get a rool on things, I am on the train for real.

Another note... I have started (finally) going through some old pictures of Grandma and Grandpa and realizing the holidays are coming up and I am getting a little depressed. I miss them terribly and dont think the holidays are going to get any better. Any suggestions? I have been thinking about them a lot now. My dad is getting super depressed which is weird. I dont really know the right way to comfort him. We are just now getting closer after the big breakdown of me telling him that he cant live off other people for the rest of his life.

He is doing better and I am proud of him, but he has not made the milestone of him growing up just yet.

My cat is getting ready to go to the pooper or something. She will not get nice. Any suggestions on her? To at least calm her down? She is a spaz and must be bipolar. One minute she is purring and the next she is biting and clawing. I mean drawing blood! I cant live with it anymore.. My arms are horrible!

Loves! Thanks for keeping up and comment~!~!

A Great Aunt? Wow...

So guys I am a great aunt before I am a mom... Depressing. So Jasmine is my NEW great niece and Jayden is my great nephew...So here I am relaxing, or at least trying to because my husband is blaring the TV and I have a partial migrane. Yucko.
ll leave you with a new picture of Lil Jazzy and Jay....

HUGS!

Kel

Lordy, Lordy...

It is almost Christmas! I have some people looking at my Grandmas house and hopefully we will get a wild hair up our butts to get motivated again to start working on the Blue Rock house. We need to sell these houses ASAP! I am soooo motivated to fine my right surro-mommy. I am meeting S on Nove 14th. I have met so many wonderful people and have found out more about my genetic problems! Now I know I should not have even been trying to get ol preggo! I am not sure who reads this, or who cares but it helps to jot down everything to get it outta my brain. Once I get something on my brain I am so GUNGHO about it! Hahaha.

But anywho, who is ready for Christmas and Thanksgiving? I AM!

*HUGS*
Kel

Some people just touch you...

SOOOO>>>

A blog for today. I love this chick to the left more than almost anyone. She is my niece Haley.  I worry about her, I care for her, I love her.  I think about her constantly and always wonder whether I am a good influence in her life.  I hope she winds up reading this blog, and keeps reading it throughout my journey.  I truly love her.  We share a special bond, but as she gets older, more things will be hidden, and i'll just have to deal with it.  I dont like it, but  guess that is just the way it is going to be.  I guess I dont like things hidden, because I told my Dad EVERYTHING> We never hid anything from each other and that just made our relationship way better than my relationship with my mother.  BUT<>

Time Flys By....

It does! I am serious! I am getting way into this surrogacy thing. I am ready. I am purchasing a papsan swing today and slowly buying little things that I might use for my new little great neice. That way I can use them for my child! Good idea huh? Well speaking of surrogacy and baby names, and all that mumbo.... I have found some great people and some great support through this short journey so far. I cannot wait to pick someone that might be in my life and my child life forever and for them to be there and receive pictures.... and I am rambling... hahah
here are a couple names I have picked out.
Gabrielle for a female, I know its long, but Gabrielle Elizabeth. I love the name Gabrielle, I am half latin, so it fits. Elizabeth after my Grandmother, Godspeed. I miss her terribly! I feel she is sending me an angel. She truly is my guardian angel.
I also like Stella if there are twin girls! hahah
Blaine is the male name, Blaine Robert or Blaine MCClelland. After Bobby and His dad/Grandpa.
WOWZERS...
I gotta figure out a great lawyer here in Cincinnati, OHIO! haha ok enough of the update...keep in touch..

kel

The Bungals!

OMGOODNESS>>>

Why do I have to keep watching the Bengals lose?  Why do they suck so bad?  LOL

Oh well. If that was not eye catching.

I had a fun party last night and it was different...heheh

I dont know what else to talk about right now other than I am upset that I root for such a crappy team. hahah! 

Should I say go Colts? oh my!

Ill leave you of a pic of me with my Godsisters!

Been A Few Days!

ahhh...Life in the shoes of me is a very complicated story. I can never seem to be feeling the best I possibly can, I am always tired, and I always have sinus problems. I am just tired of being this way. SOOO... What am I gonna do? WORKOUT! I betcha I will feel tons better. I cant wait.
I bet you cant wait to hear the news? I get to go meet up with a possiblew surrogate mother. She might be reading this and so far, just to let you guys know, she sounds pretty awesome.
I dont know how many of you know the lengths I have gone to be pregnant, until I found out it could be possibly fatal if I do conceive. Sucks huh? Well...
not really. now.
God has made these little angels called surrogates to help out with my certain problem. These women must truly be angels! So thank you lil missy!

OH, other things... I am having a fun party this Saturday. That should be interesting. Although almost noone shows up every time. LOL. Why cant people make a commitment? hahaha

I just got done painting the kitchen. Brown. I wanted it orange boo hoo. I guess if we sell the house and move where we want, which is roomy, a ranch, and lots of acreage....I can hold of on having an orange kitchen. lol...

My whole upstairs is next after the party. Once we sell the Blue Rock (cincinnati, OH) house and Grandma and Grandpas house, we can get moving on starting our family. I am hoping for twins.

If this experience goes well, then we will try again for more children. YAY!

OH! I am going to go blonde! haha big change. My hair is still partially black, with tons of blonde and carmel highlights. I guess they could only fry my hair so much. yikes.

I want to look more motherly. I guess thats what you call it.

But anywho, I'll let you nosey people get back to your lives! hahah Love you all!

Kel

My Cousin Caleigh!

My Cousin Caleigh amazed by herself in the camera on my computer!

Introducing Briton...

This is Briton Mattox... My little cousin... He has a brother or a sister on the way...

Love is a very strong bond we share!  

THE NEWS!

Bobby told me not to get too overwhelmed, but I still want my friends to know what is goning on! We are going to hire a surrogate mother as soon as we sell our cincinnati house and grandmas! I will keep everyone posted. I am getting started on interviewing potential mothers. If you know ANYONE that is interested in being a surrogate for me, please let me know. Here are the requirements...

Age: 24-39
kids: at least 1 successful pregnancy with no complications
(i would like her to at least have 3 kids, but not a must)
(would also like for her to have been a surrogate once at least, but not a must)
Is loving and caring and understands that this will be a child without her DNA, and will be legally ours not matter what.
Also must be willing to enter into a contract.
Must have all set fees ready to go over.
Must be ready to include me in all doctors visits and special moments of the pregnancy!

Thank you all! I would love to hear your comments on the situation!

Love Always:

Kel

Journey to Surrogacy!

OK! Some people know and some people dont. Bobby and I are trying to have a baby and have had many unsuccessful attempts. I have 2 genetic disorders. Balanced Translocation and MTHFR. Here is a little about me!

kelly buffington
age: 26 5'3" 125lbsi have lived in indiana pretty much my whole life. i have an awesome boxer (my kid basically) and a maine coon weirdo cat. She milks off of my dog and acts like a dog.I am working on getting my insurance license, i model, and i am a phlebotomist at dearborn county hospital. Which is drawing blood. yummy. hahMy husband is Robert Buffington, he is 28 on oct. 27th. He is an insurance agent for Indiana, Kentucky, and Ohio and we have our office with Hummel Insurance open a half a mile away from the house.April 2006, we decided to try and have children. The doctor decided that wih us not using protection, birth control and all for 5-6 years that he should do a semen analysis. His soldiers are great. So we started clomid for 6 months. I conceived 4 times and resulted in miscarriages all times. Heart breaking. I decided to call it quits for a few months, switched doctors because my previous one was a wacko. I have been with my new gyno since and absolutely love him! he tried the whole clomid thing with me and i never got pregnant, tested my TSH, did an HSG (tube check), and did the hormone workup. NOTHING> so he referred me to an RE> Dr. Glen Hoffman at Bethesda Fertility in Cincinnati, Ohio. Dr. Hoffman started me on clomid (that stuff is mean!) and provera to start my period , and did a full fertility blood work up. I was supposed to have an ultrasound on day 14 of my cycle to see if i had eggs developing. He called me in to the office 1 day before to talk with me. Of course he freaked me out. So I went into the office and he told me first off....many women go on to not know the problems concerning their miscarriages and problems. We know what your problem is. I have a balanced translocation with my chromosomes 4 & 8, which are involved with fertility. With that problem alone I have a less than 25% chance of conceiving. Then I have a dangerous blood clotting disorder called MTHFR. You can look up what that is directly... Some crazy long word. If I get pregnant and not know it, I will most likely miscarry, or could have a blood clot kill me, or rupture the placenta at any given time. I would have to go on lovinox shots or heparin shots every day until after 6 weeks I deliver. Talk about a headache. So 2.5 years later...from the beginning. I finally got bobby interested in adopting. My father was adopted and he is Columbian decent. I am half Irish as well. Bobby is german. We were going to put in adoption papers in spring, but I brought up surrogacy, and he was sold. I pretty much want to do this now. We are not going to be financially stable until we sell 2 of our 3 houses. We live in our house that we bought while we owned another house. We rented out our house in Cincinnati, Oh. Our rented got evicted and trashed the house so we are refinishing the house now. We might have a buyer lined up for that. We also inherited my grandma and grandpas house. It is in the process of a buch of showings and we got an offer on it. We have to get the carpet laid and a few other things done before we sell it. I am looking for someone that will be negotiable with fees, only because i do not want to be broke with an infant in the house possibly more. I would love twins.

So that is my story for now...I hope this keeps you all posted for now. I will keep bblogging with my journey through this exciting time!

Thank you all for your love and support!

Kind of a Bad day.

kind of down and out.

ok... so it is coming up and i cant avoid it. the anniversary of grandpas passing. i lost my grandma august 2, 2007. that my dears was the absolute hardest day of my life. Harder than losing babies, harder than anything. she was MY EVERYTHING. i was truly blessed to be her "daughter" or grand daughter so to speak... i mean my heart has been crushed from day one of seeing her lose weight, to the hospital visits, to helping her, to the day that the cancer took her life. I mean....I think that it is great that she is in heaven, but I truly do not feel as strong without her. I told her EVERYTHING. She new all the problems of everything that was going on in my life, she never judged me and still loved me more than anything. so... before grandma died I got to talk to her a lot. I write a lot of poems, write journals, and express myself through writing. SOOOO I wrote her a letter to tell her everything that was going on in my mind at the time. You guys don't know what an impact she made on my life. AND> my grandpa couldn't wait another minute without her. He died almost exactly 2 months after her. A blood clot took him from me within about 8 hours. I never got to talk to him the way I got to with mamaw. I don't know if that is why I might be a little bitter about death? Not sure. I would like to share my letter, just because it makes me feel better. GRANDMA: I wanted to tell you before you passed what an impact you have made on my life. Most people do not get the chance to tell their loved ones. I know that you are my most favorite person in the world. You were always there for me and I thank you for that. I do not think I can thank you enough. I think that everyone does wrong in their life, and I have to. Fortunately, I think that God has forgiven me. You have always been by my side to lend a voice or a hand. The whole reason for this letter is to tell you that I have finally accepted your passing coming. I will still weep. I will still morn. I will still hit the walls wondering why God could possibly do this to such a wonderful person. Sometimes I wonder if God is punishing me for something I did, or anything else. I have not done anything wrong, I just have to learn that God has a plan for everything. This past year after losing two babies and you losing your battle with cancer makes me think that I am praying for no reason. I have to keep praying… I have finally found out what I need to pray for. Strength to keep going on. Strength to let you go. Strength to accept the fact that things happen. Grandma, I think that I have found the strength to let you go and let you be my guardian angel. I hope that you will look over me and the family, bless my marriage, and bless me with beautiful children. You may not ever get to see them physically, but spiritually you will. I have been trying so hard to try and have children before you pass so you can see your first great-grandchild that I think that stress made me lose both. I wrote this out so it would be perfect and genuine. Yes, I am going to miss you terribly but the fact that I will not have you, as a mother will tear me up inside. Basically I am telling you that when you feel it is your time, you go. I am not pushing you, but literally telling you not to worry about dad, grandpa and me. We will go on remembering you. I have not got any recent pictures of you because I want to remember you healthy and content. I also want you to know that I will try and stay true to God as you would want me to. I might not make it every Sunday, but I will worship him as you did. I pray to him everyday to make you stronger. I pray to him everything I wish could happen. I know that he can only answer so much. I thank him though that he gave you 86 wonderful years, 66 years with grandpa, 50 years with dad, and 25 years with me. I know to prepare as grandpa might pass soon after you. That is usually how is goes, so I also have asked God to give me strength to be strong for him and dad. Dad has already become a better person, and hopefully he stays good for the sake of grandpa, my future children, and me. I love all three of you like I have never loved before. You guys are my rock. I can go on and on telling you how much I love you, but I believe you love me just as much so you know what that feels like. Grandma, when we try and help you up, don't get mad. Feel good that there is someone to lend a helping hand. There are so many people in the hospital that die and there are no family to bury them or be there for them. I try to get to your house as much as possible to see you but my full time job demands too much. So I come when I can, and I know that you understand. You always understood. So grandma… Be my guardian angel It is ok to let go I love you I love you I love you…. Always remember me as I will do for you. Thats the end in that... there was something that I was told yesterday that really upset me. No, its not the hormones. I am done with those. At least for a while. When I find out someone is pregnant, it is soooo hard for myself to be happy. I am happy for that person, but deeply I am sooo upset that the reason we are having so many problems is because of my body and we cant change it. I just wish a baby could appear out of thin air. My husband is here to talk to, but I want my Grandma back to talk to... She had a way of telling me that it was going to be alright in such a comforting way. As I tear up while thinking about her, I cant help but realize she and GOD have an awesome plan for me. I know she is up there telling me to take my time and get things in order before I cross the finish line too early. I know she is up there rooting me on and saving a place for me. Sometimes I just wish I could at least dream about her... but it never happens. Her and my grandpa adopted because they could not produce children, so I think it would be a great inspiration to talk with her. I just wish I had someone in my shoes to talk to. I think it would help me out tremendously. I am soooo sorry for the long emotional blog, but if you have made it through it all I thank you. Thanks for being a friend, nosy, or just plain there. It is nice to share my feelings instead of being bottled up. I have been mostly happy for the past 2-3 months, but today... i dont know what it is... just a little sad.